JOMO 4 Love: Joy of Missing Out for recharging in Love

“But to look back from the stony plain along the road which led one to that place is not at all the same thing as walking on the road; the perspective to say the very least, changes only with the journey; only when the road has, all abruptly and treacherously, and with an absoluteness that permits no argument, turned or dropped or risen is one able to see all that one could not have seen from any other place.”-James A. Baldwin

Heart disease is a silent crisis among Black women like me, touching nearly half of us over the age of 20. We carry this burden not just in our bodies, but in the systemic inequities that shape our lives. Many of us face barriers to quality healthcare, live in food deserts with limited access to fresh, nutritious options, and are more likely to navigate chronic conditions like high blood pressure, diabetes, and obesity. These aren’t just random occurrences—they are the result of centuries of systemic racism, economic disparities, and medical neglect. When we add the stress of navigating racism, sexism, and other forms of oppression, our hearts bear the weight in ways we might not always recognize.

This is personal for me because, as a Black woman, I know the layers of stress we’re asked to carry every day—working hard, holding our families together, and striving to excel in a world that often doesn’t see us. That stress takes a toll, even when we don’t realize it. Heart disease isn’t just about diet or exercise; it’s about the environments we live in, the pressures we face, and the healthcare system that doesn’t always hear us when we say something feels wrong. We need more than awareness—we need systemic change. We deserve to live and thrive without our hearts paying the price. This is why I committed to JOMO and recharged.

I am truly undone in gratitude. This year is different. It has been very grounding. Last year around this time I was experiencing lots of interpersonal and personal inner turmoil. I will be vulnerable enough to say, that I was dealing with a lot of conflict and pain from a decision to put in place firmer boundaries with my child’s other parent. While making that commitment and growing in the necessity of standing in that decision tall and unmoved, I was allowing myself to let a similar situation not the same, but similar and toxic, re-trigger consistently me at present in the name of "friendship". Someone was going through a thing, and I was being made a dumping ground. Now, there is nothing wrong with confiding in people. But it is bad not to see a person going through hard things similar and not so, ultimately settling on choosing themselves, despite the pain that the necessary decision comes with, and you expect that they should continue to stress and contort themselves for your delusionary pleasure. This is not healthy; this is not a relationship where one can be seen and valued, and if one communicates this and is met with a particular behavior, it is time to let go and grow on.

I made several excuses and sacrifices and I physically started to feel stress beyond anything ever before. If you had seen me in January 2024, by then I had monstrous hives and inflammation that was due to unbelievable amounts of stress. This was in tandem with very real family tensions and division, family members going through intense and traumatic experiences, in hindsight, I regret I was so bound up in so much trifle stress, that I could not attend to really being there more for my cousin Victor, who by then was still less than 6 months post-op from an emergency brain surgery. I was navigating a toxic workplace and abusive administration, I mean bad, and at the time I was the only person putting my whole neck on the chopping block because I saw the sheer tyranny, corruption, and abuse of power unfolding. I stayed up several nights drafting over 60 pages detailing and documenting the workplace harassment. I had parental personal issues of trying to support my parents through their emotional trauma and luggage, my mom being bi-polar and naturally this season being hard on her as she celebrates differently being neurodivergent and my father trying his best, that is what I always try to remember even when I get upset and exhausted from his anger, to navigate life only a decade out from being institutionalized for more than half his life and more than 75% of mine at this point. To no end, almost every relationship around me was incredibly heavy as I tried to remind myself, that I am no one's savior and I had my own goals of applying to a PhD program. At that time, that dream seemed even further with so many odds stacked against me emotionally, no one truly outright supportive of my decision, and there were questions of timing, the mothering, political positionality of my job and the climate, career, etc, I mean there were very few moments of recollection of joy in such a decision. It seemed that although I had all the qualifications, my actual phenomenological experience as a Black working mother seemed too radical of an idea with my identity and factors of life. Trauma after trauma, grief wrapping its long, cold, well-manicured nails around my neck and throat chakra, and it was the expectation that I was to go on as business as usual because this is just life.

It is my life and I can birth all the amazing things my mind's eye germinates into my vision.

I am in deep awe and gratitude for that time. November has always been a revealing, shocking, and beautiful month. Something always comes to a little light even in darkness during this time.

Now, I sit here, a bit stressed but mostly cozy and in peace, enveloped in a warm embrace of self-reflection and gratitude. I am sitting in blessings and lessons, truly. A year later, I find myself immersed in high praise to God and my Ancestors, who have guided me through the tumultuous journey of life, compelling me to make difficult yet necessary decisions that have ultimately shaped my path. I recognize now the wisdom in the challenges I faced, and I see clearly why, despite my earnest attempts to engage in open conversations and communicate healthily with maturity and a spirit of healing, it was simply not the right space or time to do that with certain individuals. God truly has the power to orchestrate our lives in ways we may not immediately understand; one just has to possess the heart to trust in that divine plan. I tried my best to navigate those relationships, but I made a firm decision last year that I will never overcommit to relationships anymore. Through the painful experience of watching "friends" dissolve our bonds based on their projections, ill-will, lack of authentic communication, and outright lies, I came to a profound realization. I understood that my proximity to these individuals had clouded my vision, preventing me from seeing the truth I needed to acknowledge in order to protect myself and nurture my heart. As I reflect on my journey in my thirties, as a Black woman, I recognize that my heart is laid bare on the table, exposed to the weight of all this stress and the sociological factors I have inherited from birth. In hindsight, it took this period of solitude and introspection to truly understand the importance of aligning myself with my destiny. It was time to stop playing games with fate and to discern who would genuinely be in alignment with my greater good in God and who would merely serve to feed my earthly Ego. All illusions fell away with a swiftness reminiscent of the walls of Jericho crumbling to the ground. God reveals the truth in His own time, and I have learned to be patient and discerning in this process. This journey has been one of awakening, and I am grateful for the clarity that has emerged from the chaos. It is a reminder that the path to self-discovery and peace often requires us to let go of what no longer serves us, allowing room for growth, healing, and the nurturing of authentic connections that uplift and empower.

Now I sit in a profound state of Grace and gratitude, reflecting on the journey that has brought me to this moment. I find myself healing and living more authentically than I ever have before, embracing the Blessed Assurance that accompanies this transformation.  This year has been marked by significant loss, a depth of sorrow, and heartache like no other I have experienced in my life. Yet amidst this profound grief, I have also found restoration. I have renewed faith that acts as a guiding light in my life, illuminating my path forward and instilling within me a greater sense of purpose that I had previously overlooked. Each day, I am still growing, and evolving in ways I never anticipated, and there remains so much more unlearning to be done. This process of unlearning is crucial, as it allows me to shed the layers of conditioning that no longer serve me, making space for new, healthier beliefs and practices. I am proud of the progress I have made and the choices I have embraced along this journey.

This Thanksgiving, I made the conscious decision to stay home. This choice was not made lightly; it stemmed from a deep understanding of my own need for rest and rejuvenation. In a world that often demands constant productivity, and as a workaholic, I recognize that I do not get a lot of rest, and I am still in the process of building my support system, or my village, around me. Part of this journey involves cultivating the courage to ask for assistance, particularly when it comes to caring for my daughter so that I can carve out the necessary time for rest and self-care. I also chose to sit in contemplation, embracing the idea that rest in solitude can be a revolutionary act in itself. This practice of resting, reflecting, and being present with myself is essential for my well-being and growth. I am committed to the liberation of lands and people, a cause that resonates deeply within me. As I navigate these complex issues, I find myself grappling with the tensions that arise from my role as an educator. I feel the weight of the truth surrounding the genocide of Indigenous peoples and the ongoing domination over land. This reality stands in stark contrast to the beautiful gatherings of my Ancestors and many Black individuals who come together in love and light, celebrating our shared histories and resilience. This juxtaposition creates a rich tapestry of emotions and thoughts that I continue to explore. It is taxing to feel this deeply about things people feel are not totally "relevant to us" in the US. It is a delicate balance, one that requires me to hold space for both the pain of historical injustices and the joy found in community and connection. I am learning to honor these complexities, allowing them to coexist as I navigate my path forward. In doing so, I hope to contribute meaningfully to the conversations surrounding these critical issues while fostering healing within myself and my community.

Look at me now, I am so proud of myself and some of my cousins. The LaBordes, Majids, Barneys, and etc are growing every single day. I am so proud of myself and my child's father, we are in a much better space, trying to co-parent and beat out narratives of lack. I pray for us daily as we navigate parenting authentically without having excellent models of parenting ourselves. In a lot of ways it has been healing because I don't have to pretend, overextend, or sacrifice Shapel for the Other. I know way too many women and men fed the narrative of this in order to "sustain" quite frankly an unsustainable marriage or relationship. It is hard. It is happening with a lot of hurt. It is happening through and with grief but it is happening. So much has transpired in the time that I learned to be a mother, in five years, and as clear as anything so much has happened in a year.

I sit and I dream, all the ways I am excited to be, and mourn the ways my Morehouse brother, Joshua, who is being laid to rest today will not get to be but be forever cemented in our hearts as he was. I dream of all the ways 30-something Black people transform beyond the grave. I wish my cousin Victor could have been here one more Thanksgiving even if I couldn't be with everyone because of work and rest, at least I would feel so much peace from his earthly presence doing the thing he loved most, being with family. Life is truly a gift and I praise the Lord on the discernment to pour into things and people that see you, cherish you and when you are real sit in discomfort about the ways in which harm and hurt have come to you even though you wear a smile. Never let the limits of people box you in and keep you closed off to the limitless possibilities of the radical imagination. Sometimes I just need to miss out on things really not for me, I may not see it until later but sometimes the joy is in choosing you for a moment. I am worthy of a recharge and days of rest. I am most grateful to have this moment to rest and reflect on that.