Still Beautiful

Dear Grandma Babe,

It has been so long but still like yesterday since I heard the reassured beauty of your voice and saw you in the chair as I entered the house. Sitting in your spot in the Living Room, you know I still say, "Hey Grandma!!!!" real loud because I know you're hard of hearing so it works out even though you're in heaven. It has been seven months since I had to say goodbye for now in this lifetime. How are you doing? I hope good and at peace. I always think of how exciting and joyous the reunion of being with all your children, some grandchildren, even great-grandchildren. Of course, reuniting with your parents, all your siblings and cousins must be a blast! I am so happy and blessed that I know in my heart that you are with Jesus and our Most High above all else. I am so glad you Got Over. But, my flesh, my basic human being still wishes we had more time. I miss you every second of the day.

Do you remember when I had a panic attack and told you, " Oh My God Grandma!!" and you said, "What's wrong?!" and I started crying and said, "I don't know what I am going to do with myself when it is time for you to go. God is going to have to take me too." I said this statement a few times before. Before you got more elderly and ready to transition. Before I had Sage Ali. Each time, each and every time you reassured and faithfully affirmed, in a playfully dismissive way, "Oh you're going to be just fine." or "I know but you are going to get along just fine." That pressure I felt in my chest leading up to the moment I physically watched you take your last breaths at home that beautiful fall morning on September 21 was suddenly expanded. You probably wonder what I mean. It got bigger. In fact, it got so big I thought for a moment I would die too. I literally could not believe my very best friend and the biggest support of my life has now gone on to alchemize into a new role and energy.

I never thought I would be strong enough. I probably would say I would be fine and etc but I always had a small doubt in the back of my mind like, "I am going to lose it completely." But you physically left and you made room for so many blessings and gifts and I just know you're up there still working hard overtime with God for me. And I can't thank you enough. I tell you every day. We tell you, me and Sage Ali. Every day we Thank God and You. Everyday. Can you believe it? I really was strong enough to continue Grandma. And you knew it! But how did you know? How did you know I would still go to work? Still, go to school? Still, be an engaged Mom? Still go on...even if I had to doggy paddle.

Still, proceed with big feelings of grief and joy. Just completely overwhelmed but still feeling it and being alive with grace.

It is our faith. I visited your grave as you already know and I just got flooded with memories and all the work that has been laid out and how much more there is to do but it felt good. It felt good to know that there is still so much opportunity. There is still so much promise from God. Sage Ali misses you so much and I think it is so beautiful that we shifted a generational blessing because of you. She asks about you and reaffirms you're in heaven to me and to herself. Sometimes people say she will forget you but I don't think so. We lived with you in this sacred space and that is the beauty of it all. We remember and are consistently connected to the beautiful struggles and we remember how you taught us how to live in faith, in family, and as our full selves with good intentions.

I miss you and love you for a trillion more eternities. Your memory, wisdom, education, philosophy of life, and faithfulness live on and I don't think I'll ever stop referencing them.

Love Eternally,

Shapel

PS-

The pressure has expanded and I feel more weight but I think I am finally wising up to, "you do what you can and you do YOUR best." I am sticking to that and learn to be unapologetic about taking care of me. I know you still probably shouting, "Shapel SIT down and REST a while." I am trying.