"Exploring the Uncharted Territory of Personal Growth: The Frontier of a New Me"

I found out that I lost my cousin, Victor about two weeks ago. It was one of the most shocking things to hear and witness up close. I had just gotten off a plane, coming from a Philosophy and Education conference in Salt Lake City, Utah. I was supposed to blog about that experience here. So this blog will serve as a semi-intro to the fact that I had a great time at the conference in Utah. I also received, less than a month ago, news that I had been admitted to the Doctoral Program in Philosophy and Education at Teachers College Columbia University. The rollercoaster of emotions is enough for someone to feel the simulation of being at sea calmly riding the smooth gentle waves and then all of a sudden boat capsizes and is shipwrecked with a blurred vision of a faraway shore.

Losing my cousin and having to feel the embodiment of those complex layers of his loss. The fact that he is gone, how he went, the people offering words and logical scenarios of comfort, and the people of faith also offering an urgency to read the words of the Book have left me utterly burnt out. I mean I am undone and spent over the activities from November of 2023 up until now. I have been slowly recognizing my overall intolerance for lack of accountability with folks. Rejecting a posture of, " I told you so", I had for too long allowed people to dump and continue to make choices they desired to make. It is here when it became too much and I had visceral sacral reactions to the crap, that I decided Shapel, it is time you must hold yourself accountable also.

One might attribute it to me being a Libra sun, or the fact that my inner child still needs to be seen, however, you choose to name it, I originally am truly not a conscious fan of confrontation. Now subconsciously, and still looking into my Natal chart, intricately, my Spirit may have an affinity for utter chaos. My inner child wounds center around Mother wounds. This is not to say I had a lack of maternal care because if you know me, you would know I give God the utmost praise and adoration for giving me the blessings of my great-grandmother, Grandma Babe and I am proud of my Mom. However, when you analyze what the Mother Wound entails, it is hard for me to dismiss these truths and not give attention to how my lack of urgency in creating boundaries and fully reparenting myself has created stagnation in God's ultimate assignment in my life. Pete Walker coined the term fawn and defines it through the following: "The Fawn response is one of four defensive reactions to ongoing trauma. Those who fawn tend to put the needs and wants of others ahead of themselves at the cost of the health of their own egos, and the protection of and compassion for themselves."

As I am writing this it is a Lunar Elipse and Full Moon in Libra, my identity and relationships have been a theme of tension and it has been incredibly hard with the pre-shadow of Mercury Retrograde. It is as if I am being forced to let these expressions out. In the Spirit of authenticity and growth, I am no longer considering entertaining any and all relationships that give me the sacral feeling of smallness. What I mean by that is, I have had to diminish or dismiss many of my own natural feelings in what seems to be a learned response to the problems, and sensitivities of others. I am done. I realized this reaction must have slowly developed naturally because of the way I was raised and by whom I was raised. This is not to place blame, it is a reckoning that I simply never wanted to seem burdensome to others or burdening to my great-grandmother because I always had this increased self-awareness and empathy from a very small age. My great-grandmother and I had a 68-year age gap. Much of my embodied knowledge and coming to be in this world was informed by simply being in proximity to my great-grandmother and being careful, gentle, respectful, quiet, and to myself. She never asked me to be this way and in fact, she challenged me as I got older to use my voice and to set firmer boundaries with people and in situations.

With my mother being bipolar and my father being incarcerated for over 20+ years, I allowed that "fawning" to be a response to many a situation over a trajectory of time. Although I have utilized and thrived in professional therapy services, I must admit that I still see the ways my mother wound is sometimes being picked at and I default to behaviors that are a bit self-destructive. For example, my friendships should be able to authentically pour back into me and consider the amount of things I carry alone. I have realized I have fallen out with a few childhood friends, it almost gaslit me to ask if I am the problem, while not having the urgency to offer up the disclaimer, "I know I am not perfect." Not recognizing that is people-pleasing performative behavior at first glance, I thought momentarily what would be the path to fix things to become more palatable for these individuals, is another etch and carving out of my Spirit. But God and my gut said not this time. This time you work on you for you- for real Shapel. Losing my great-grandmother was a season of loss I knew I had to face but regretted its meeting. Losing my cousin, and how he left was a loss that shook my core and offered me moments to reflect with tears the lack of compassion and humanity I am shown by people I may have considered friends. It is almost as if my brain unfortunately kept tally of all the times I held traumas and things in, all the things I refused to dump because I didn't want to burden them and they never really saw me in the first place to see that, "Girl, this is unhealthy."

I have opted to affirm and commit to my belief that God will provide those unique individuals and I will not have a war with words because friendship shouldn't be that hard. The people I lose and have lost, I feel comfort in knowing I offered the most authentic version of myself and I've tried to communicate healthily. I have made peace that my relationships should not be battlefields in which I have to fight projections, perhaps hidden jealousy and envy, and questionings to God. I am in a season of speaking out loud my truth and learning the contours of discomfort for the fit of my growth. I am recognizing alignment and holding space for me first and foremost and taking whatever reserves to pour into my child. If you ever come into my very pink living room, there will be a photo that reads, "I'm Not For Everyone" Finally at 32 I am finding more joy and comfort in God showing me at the end of the day to place all my trust in Him, be authentic, come from a place of love and authenticity and do not let anyone gaslight you. I want to break up with overthinking and just truly lean into my God-given discernment and accept the adage of "believing people the first time, they show you."

I am excited to move into this space of inner child healing yet again and truly create the relationships of my dreams and rise to the occasion of the woman God has called me to be and my Ancestors have been waiting for. This is the season I show up as HER.