Unveiling the Power of Performance: Aja Monet and the Alchemy of Grief

'i did not want to write a poem full of corpses

so i wrote a sacred pink blue sky jeweled on the horizon"- aja monet, cast away

Courtesy of Aja Monet (https://ajamonet.com/poetic-portraits/ )

Yesterday night I had the blessed opportunity to witness @ajamonet perform at the Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture in Harlem, NY. I always try to remember and be intentional about the culture and experiencing culture, especially as a mom grounded in career aspirations. I signed up for this event and I am so grateful that we all ended up going. It was a nice introduction to our upcoming Spring Break. It was also divine for me, personally speaking. I attended the event in the evening with two friends and my almost five-year-old, Sage Ali.

I signed up a few weeks before the event, to make space and time to hear the spoken word and see what kind of balms, salves, and healing this vessel, this spirit, aja monet would bless me with. This was her Carnegie Hall Citywide debut in this free concert with a live, to-be-announced band. When we arrived, the place was already packed. The ambiance was a fine balance of cool and warm. The colors created an embodied feeling of comfort and awakening. It was as if you knew you were coming into an elevated living room with a family member, in my case, my older cousin or perhaps the older sister I always needed, whose spirit meets me in different women throughout life's journey.

At first, when seated, I got a little nervous about how Sage Ali would come into this experience. I mean it was 7:00 PM on a rainy Wednesday in April and she just had a very long day at school with enrichment. She is only four going on five, or twenty-two depending on the day (because truth be told my girl is always trying to be outside.) And this is what I settle into my spirit, I know my child, and this is something that she needs.

Tangent: I had a reading a few weeks ago, specifically around the time I was inching a month into life after losing my first cousin Victor, and coming up into the eight years of my favorite Great Uncle Abdul being an Ancestor. This was not consciously intentional. But you know, Spirit and God move like that. So during the reading, I got a lot of clarity and confirmation about how I am unfolding experiences and assisting Sage Ali in processing those experiences. I was told and this I knew, that Sage Ali although young, has been here before and to let her experience things most kids would not and find this fine balance of letting her be a kid and guiding her on her own Spirit path. What a task and a challenge, but also what great things God has in store for this beautiful baby girl. May God guide and protect us on this journey. These are my higher prayers.

Anyhow, back to the experience of bringing your almost five-year-old to a live, jazz-infused spoken word in the evening. Sage Ali was mostly settled, there were a few moments of movements and she was fidgety. However overall, I think the ambiance and the collective experience finally got to her and she found her little person self immersed in witnessing a creative performance and an authentic display of living and performing with grief.

Part of my journey in writing this has been consistently coming to terms with living with an immense amount of grief and now recognizing that my daughter, Sage Ali has experienced quite a bit of grief considering her time here on Earth. What do you do when grief is suffocating and you have to categorize and process the various levels of grief? The grief of losing people physically in this world, the grief of relationships reaching a point of disconnection, the grief of not receiving due reciprocity, the grief of not being considered or humanized because of your strength....there is so much grief I am processing every day while having to go about daily routines and life. So when aja monet declared that she lost her Matriarch earlier that morning and still found her way to perform and create and be right in front of us, I knew I was in alignment.

As she struggled to get through the rest of her revelation and to speak the words of the poem, I realized that grief provides an opportunity for the self to be alchemized. You cannot avoid the pain. You cannot avoid the loss. You can not avoid the gravity of feelings. And if you dare to face it and to face people and be human, you can go through a transformation that takes you nearer to your Highest self.

Another Tangent: I had a very toxic and undeniable love affair with cortisol. Yes, that stress hormone. It turns out that is also a grief hormone and with the whirlwind of grief and loss and trauma, I was pumping it out at alarming rates. It wasn't until I cut everyone's shit out of my life and became intentional about no longer considering my full humanity an afterthought and I am no one's savior or dumping ground. What I mean is that I realized no matter how aspirational and career-driven I am, and am destined to be, at my core, I am God's creation that requires feeling and rest. I require consideration. The performance of strength has enabled people to not consider this very simple acknowledgement and I holistically had enough. For me first and then for Sage Ali's sake.

For aja monet, to consciously decide to perform on stage despite hearing her grandmother's transition earlier that day and also hearing throughout the performance, that she lost a lot of people near and dear to her spirit in that year, I was inspired and affirmed. I am going through and have been going through this thing for a while with grief. To witness her be and position her grief in a dance between energies on stage, was a bit of a miracle at this time. The revelation from God and Spirit was that I can be whoever I need to be whenever I need to be that.

I've been dancing with my Ancestors for the last ten years. They have surrounded me and assisted me with many Earthly tasks. I have experienced the beauty of physical loss and heightened sensitivity about what that Ancestor has now positioned you to do, how they have straightened your posture, vertebrae by vertebrae as you process grief to be with God, how they propel you into your next elevation of living and finding your purpose. It comes with detachment, it comes with reckoning and it comes on with the spirit of sacrifice. What are you willing to sacrifice to be the person that God is calling you to be in this world? How can you help live out an image and a testimony to a divine plan and let those around you find their way? How do you relinquish power and let people choose their paths? How do you remember to move and show up for others as Jesus moved and showed up for the people? What is the pedagogy of liberation and what is the purpose of joy, in its authenticity in that pedagogy?

These questions comforted me into sleep last night. I've been manifesting what I want my dissertation to consider and I feel butterflies in my stomach as my experiences are leading me into new terrains. aja, I truly can't thank you enough for the experience last night. Thank you for being such a force. Thank you for your work and I am blessed to see what happens when one answers their calling. Thank you for your time and that moment. You have helped shift the trajectory.

Shapel Monique LaBorde and aja monet at her debut with the Schomburg Center for Research in Black culture in Harlem,NY

All is well. All is love. Liberation for the land and the people.